I know. I haven't updated in a long time.
Truth be told, I've been in such a serious slump lately. It isn't as bad as the worst I've been before, but sure comes in a close second. I'm slowly coming around, though.
Having to practically live off charity for a month is definitely humbling when you are used to being the provider. I did not take to that humbling. It really beat me down fast.
My solace has been Mary. She has stuck by my side and bore the brunt of the unemployment. It was her generosity that got us through.
Despite how uplifting my relationship has been, the downtime only strengthened my fears that I am passively doing something to sabotage it. It is a pain with which I am unaware of how to deal. It is a heavy, lingering ache. Not something sharp, and quick. More like a burden that, at first, seems light enough to carry forever, but, over time, begins to wear you down. Before you know it, you are crawling on your hands and knees, still unaware of why you are so tired.
Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing wrong, even though nothing on the surface really seems to be wrong. Sometimes I have this overwhelming feeling of hatred toward myself that lingers for hours, many times working its way into a full day.
Intellectually, I know I will come out of this valley, but it is simply so dark here that my minds eye can scarcely see the dim light of happiness at the end.
Pray for me.
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