Cranial Wanderings : Folow the Bouncing Baby

Monday, April 20, 2009

Rockfest 2009, BEEOTCH!

How about a little bit of THAT!!! The Rockfest Tickets And the following is the set for a couple friends of ours. "Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, knowhutimean, knowhutimean!" Their Rockfest Tickets
Posted By Kerry Wano At 6:29 PM •

Sunday Was Great

I think the simple act of writing down my thoughts Saturday night has put my mind at ease.

My goal of finding the line between totally free and totally restrained seems much more easily defined to me now. It has all rested on my own comfort level.

The next step for me must come in my own personal nomenclature. I MUST stop calling myself a freak (with negative connotation). I need to be more colloquial with my usage of the moniker 'perv.'

I asked for a few pictures and almost choked, but I was saved. Either Mary picked up on my hesitation or some cosmic force planted a seed within her to take some direction. Either way, it was smooth, and I was not anxious.

Aside from the pictures, I was able to spend too short an amount of time with my friends from Norman. Mary, my parents, and I had great conversation with Nathan, Liz, and Kareem over lunch at my parents house. We were all laughing continually. I miss them all so much.

I felt a slight sense of accomplishment as I was able to fix Dads and Roys computers in the short time I had available.

Kareem mentioned that he was unsure when he would be able to visit. Possibly some time in September. That time cannot come soon enough for me.

Posted By Kerry Wano At 5:46 PM •

Sunday, April 19, 2009

My Attempt at Normality

I have a minor dilemma. I want to be free with, not from, my foot fetish. But I don't want to be 'the foot guy.'

I felt that the last meeting, though it went very well for me, was a bit... much. I seemed to be talking about feet all the time.

I knew that this time, I needed to tone it down. Bring it back a notch. So, I decided that I would take a stab at being 'the guy (with a foot fetish)' and not 'the foot fetishist.'

Right from the beginning, I was determined to not be the one to bring it up. Success. That's when everything went completely downhill.

I had not even begun to imagine the level of difficulty that evening would bring to me. I felt like a sham. I felt like a deceiver. But I preferred that title.

The whole night, thoughts of my friends feet teased and tormented me. Knowing they were within reach, yet wanting to simply shelve my perversion just for a few meager hours was terribly difficult.

I let slip a few references which I felt still fell in the realm of tasteful; not over the top. However, as the night went on, I began to realize that my desire for restraint was bleeding over to my own personality. In my attempt to hold my fetish at bay, I had inadvertently and irreversibly held MYSELF along with it, so consumed was I with restraint.

My self-debasing mind kept saying, "You realize that EVERYONE in this room knows you are completely foot obsessed, right? Who do you think you are fooling?"

I'm in a struggle. I must find the middle ground. I must find that line that is neither totally free nor totally restrained. That is not the real struggle, however. The real struggle is finding that line without alienating those around me that love me.

Posted By Kerry Wano At 5:46 PM •

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Time to Visit the Guru's Mount

I had a fantastic weekend. I simply had so much fun. More than I could ever bring myself to ask for.

Why do I feel so guilty? Why do I feel so shameful? Why do I feel like I should be shunned?

My soul is tormented with these heavy burdens and my emotions are a tumultuous cauldron; churning, bubbling.

I never felt anything but good coming from the others, but I just cannot shake these horrible thoughts coming from myself. I wish I could turn my brain off right now. The last few hours of my life have been an absolute mental and emotional drain. I am in an epic battle where I am the only participant. I've lost my center.

Part of me just wants to die. Just get away from it all, remove myself from the world. My own mind tells me that the world is against me, but, intellectually and backed by evidence, I know that to not be the case. How do I build the bridge? How do I connect reality with fantasy?

I need some SERIOUS help. I fear a mental breakdown is what will end up finally bringing this torment to a close.

Please don't be upset with me if I don't answer your calls, return your messages, or reply to your emails. I need some time to soul-search.

Posted By Kerry Wano At 4:09 PM •

Humility

It's always a difficult pill to swallow. Although, it is one I feel I should be easily able to handle. Why is it so painful this time? Lesson two: learned.
Posted By Kerry Wano At 6:07 AM •

Monday, April 06, 2009

Confidence

Where does confidence come from? Does it stem from courage? Does it stem from encouragement from trustworthy people? Does it stem from ignorance?

I don't know. I do know, however, that I have serious confidence issues. I wonder, sometimes, if confidence is actually a moment. A moment of a brief out of body experience. A place where you are somewhat carefree about your surroundings.

I've noticed that it seems like confidence is specific to a goal. It tends to forgive or ignore its surroundings and moves forward regardless of outside reactions. This can be good, but it can also lead to unwarranted attention. Unwanted attention.

The details behind this writing shall forever remain a hidden aspect, save for my own damning memories. Suffice to say that a lesson for myself lies within. A lesson that I must commit to learn from. And I must commit quickly.

My confidence leads to utter disclosure which moves somewhere just past the fine line between conversational and blathering. It leads to poor decisions. It leads to false hopes.

I'm not depressed by any means. I am, however, quite contemplative and hope to alter my emotional course in a direction that is not as satisfying for myself, but, rather, much more tolerable for those that love me.

Posted By Kerry Wano At 4:10 PM •