Sunday, April 19, 2009
My Attempt at Normality
I have a minor dilemma. I want to be free with, not from, my foot fetish. But I don't want to be 'the foot guy.'
I felt that the last meeting, though it went very well for me, was a bit... much. I seemed to be talking about feet all the time.
I knew that this time, I needed to tone it down. Bring it back a notch. So, I decided that I would take a stab at being 'the guy (with a foot fetish)' and not 'the foot fetishist.'
Right from the beginning, I was determined to not be the one to bring it up. Success. That's when everything went completely downhill.
I had not even begun to imagine the level of difficulty that evening would bring to me. I felt like a sham. I felt like a deceiver. But I preferred that title.
The whole night, thoughts of my friends feet teased and tormented me. Knowing they were within reach, yet wanting to simply shelve my perversion just for a few meager hours was terribly difficult.
I let slip a few references which I felt still fell in the realm of tasteful; not over the top. However, as the night went on, I began to realize that my desire for restraint was bleeding over to my own personality. In my attempt to hold my fetish at bay, I had inadvertently and irreversibly held MYSELF along with it, so consumed was I with restraint.
My self-debasing mind kept saying, "You realize that EVERYONE in this room knows you are completely foot obsessed, right? Who do you think you are fooling?"
I'm in a struggle. I must find the middle ground. I must find that line that is neither totally free nor totally restrained. That is not the real struggle, however. The real struggle is finding that line without alienating those around me that love me.
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