Fear

Fear is a terrible companion. It eats away at your life slowly. It changes your perception about the world around you. It's crushing.
Mary and I had a great discussion this evening about fear. Not just fear in general, though. No, no. My fear. My hungry, crushing, perception-changing fear.

The Trauma
I expressed this evening how finding Mary breathing her death rattle in the bathroom was the most traumatic thing that has ever happened in my life. It wasn't my mother passing; we were all expecting it to come. It was just a matter of exactly when. It wasn't my father passing, either. Although it was rather sudden, I knew, in my heart, that it couldn't be long after Mom passed.
That sight, the sounds, they changed how I view the world completely. She was a healthy 32-year old woman. She was MY healthy 32-year old woman.
If that weren't enough, as I was JUST beginning to get past the image of seeing her in that bathroom, she seized in front of me after a very scary morning of thinking she may have had a stroke. Everything came rushing back in that very moment, and my fear jumped straight to the front of my mind again. This time, however, it rooted. It decided it wanted to stay, and I found myself powerless to evict it.

The Travels, or the Lack Thereof
Before the initial incident, travel was one of the most important things in our lives. We relished the planning of a trip each year. Figure out where we wanted to go. Find just the right vacation rental home. Decide on what local attractions we wanted to see versus what local environment we wanted to capture in our cameras.
Now, I worry that, when we travel, we may be hundreds of miles from her oncology team. What if we were in Europe? Ten thousand miles from her oncology team. All the scans are coming back very clear, but what if there's something they've missed? What if the boarding of the plane, the change in pressure makes just enough disturbance to encourage a hemorrhage? We land, the pressure changes again, and BOOM! Aneurysm around the removal site. She's on Avastin, which is a blood vessel growth inhibitor.
Aside from that, taking trips is becoming much more a financial 

The Sleep Situation
I go through rituals now. Any time I come to bed later than she does, she's generally asleep; she's one of those enviable people that can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. I cannot rest until I make sure she's breathing. Every morning I awake before her, I again make sure she's breathing. If it's a weekend and she's sleeping in, I'll check on her periodically. To make sure she's breathing.

The Conclusion
My life has been profoundly changed. My fear dictates what my next moves will be. It leads me to safer paths. I make decisions based on what my fear tells me is the best choice.