It's a Struggle

I know, it's been a long time since there's been an update here. I've been mostly coasting through as well as I can, but I have to vent now.

I am... so exhausted. The lack of work for over a year now has dragged me to a low I've never experienced before. Top that with the fact that I am living in someone else's house. Not just like as a tenant, but just... in a room... in their house.

If Mary weren't receiving disability, we'd be sunk. Completely sunk. As it is, we are able to make payments on the car, life insurance, and a few other creditors. There are still several creditors that are receiving no attention (money) from us. I can't even believe some of them haven't already been turned over to collection agencies.

I haven't registered the car in California yet, because I haven't been able to pay the last year's property tax to Jackson County Missouri. I also don't think it'll pass inspection; the tires are starting to get crackly and bald. Plus, it's time for an oil change, which requires synthetic blend or full synthetic oil. It's frustrating.

We've been able to keep ourselves supplied with plenty of snacks, and we are able to help our host household out with groceries a bit. We have some SNAP benefits coming in to pay for that.

It isn't even the financial strain that is tiring me out so much. It's a couple things. First, it's the unemployment. I can't even worry about the financial stuff until I at least have an income. Second, it's the constant putting on an at least neutral face, if not a smile, just to make sure I don't alienate the people around me. I need people around me, as I tend to "hermit" when I'm depressed. And I start to stop taking care of myself. Days without a shower. Weeks without brushing my teeth. That sort of thing.

Finally, it's a little bit of loneliness. It isn't like I don't have anyone around me, it's that I don't really know 99% of them. I'm already exhausted, and I don't have the energy to expend to build relationships right now. I miss the familiarity of friends I know being within an hour or so.

I have a constant feeling that I'm losing. I'm falling behind. I'm failing. And I don't feel like I have the energy to spend to begin a course correction. It's important to note, here, that I have no thoughts of harming myself or others. Sometimes I feel, though, that it just needs to end.

*sigh*

(I hate onomatopoeia in writing, but there it is.) That's all I can do right now. It's nearly 3am--a normal occurrence--and I'm about ready to sleep. I have an early start tomorrow after having a simple, but utterly defeating failure tonight. We were grocery shopping. Had the cart full and nearly finished. Only to realize that I did not have my SNAP card on me. Had to put all the groceries back on the shelf and head home empty handed. It'll be corrected in the morning.